


Opia

by artificialmac



Series: Foreign Word Fics [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Foreign Word Fics, Hurt/Comfort, Imaginary people, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, fwf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-20 08:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9482606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Opia (Greek) -The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my series of one-shots inspired by foreign words with no English translation.

Sutan had never been a very emotional person.

From a young age he learned that showing emotions made you weak. So he put on the mask that hid them. He named her Raja.

He became very good at pushing emotions away. People were often put off by his uncaring demeanor, so he got very good at pushing people away as well.

Before long, Raja became the only person he had to talk with, and talk he did. Raja listened and gave advice, but she also kept him in line.

Raja was everything Sutan wanted to be. She was classy, but sexy. Confident, but not arrogant. Kind, but didn’t take anybody’s shit.

She was the angel and the devil on his shoulder. She was the one to hold him when he cried, but also the one that shoved a finger down his throat when he ate too much.

As time went on, he found her to be more critical than helpful. She began to stand beside him and point out his flaws.

She made an offhanded comment about his weight one day, and that night he stood looking in the mirror looking at his body. He had never been called fat before. Quite the opposite actually.

The comments about his weight became more regular, and one day she convinced him not to eat.

It became a regular occurrence. Raja rewarded him more the longer he went without food.

One day his cravings were so bad that he snapped and ate two entire boxes of cookies by himself. Raja had just looked at him, disappointment clear in her eyes. He apologized over and over, but she shook her head.

That was when she started helping him vomit. He wasn’t strong enough to do it himself. He always chickened out right before he threw up, but Raja never chickened out of anything.

After one particularly bad night bingeing, she kept her finger in place until he saw blood.

Tears clouded his vision and the room spun.

And then…

She held him.

She had caused so much pain, so why was she holding him close now, and telling him it would be alright?

It became a pattern.

Like the worst habit.

She would kick him when he was down, push him to the edge, make him feel the worst he had ever felt, and then pull him upright, as if she had been trying to save him the whole time.

Somewhere along the way, he found himself becoming more and more like Raja. But not the parts of Raja he had wanted.

He became arrogant, cold, and emotionless. He used people for sex, and sex for money, and money for drugs. Until there were no people left.

He hated himself for it, but had no idea how to stop. She was everywhere, always. That was the reason he had turned to alcohol and later to drugs, just to block out the sound of her voice.

Sutan woke up in a stranger’s bed, with a pounding headache and no pants. The pants situation was quickly remedied, but the headache reminded Sutan that it was indeed still there. Sutan had gotten so used to them by now. He lived his life either drunk or hung-over. There was no in-between. He searched around aimlessly for his shirt, when he heard a cough from behind him. Raja was sitting on the edge of the bed, legs crossed, holding out his shirt. He gave her a spiteful smile and made a grab for it. She yanked it away before his fingers could close around it, and he gave her another glare. He pulled it forcefully out of her hand and threw it on.

She gave him a questioning look, “What’s stuck up your butt? Oh wait I know the answer to that one.” She tilted her head in the direction of Sutan’s latest “partner.”

He ignored her and continued collecting his clothes from around the small apartment. Raja stood up and walked so that the two were face to face. Up close, Raja looked even more beautiful, which only served to anger Sutan more. She put a hand on his cheek and stroked the side of his face in a way that was almost maternal. Sutan cursed when he found himself relaxing into the touch. “What’s wrong darling? Why are you mad at me?”

Sutan felt a tear slide down his face, and Raja brushed it away lightly. “I’m sorry, it’s just been a weird week. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course darling, of course.” She brushed away the other stray tears and then stepped back to look at him. “Now, lets get out of here.”

Sutan nodded and grabbed his bag and shoes, walking toward the door. He heard movement and he looked over his shoulder, expecting to see the figure in the bed waking up. He stopped in his tracks open when he saw Raja holding out the guy’s backpack, wallet clearly visible.

Sutan felt nothing when he swiped the wallet and shoved it in his bag. It used to make him feel sick, he used to feel so consumed with guilt, but now it had become routine.

But that didn’t mean Sutan didn’t hate himself for it.

…

Sutan had been sitting at the bar for twenty minutes and had already been propositioned three times. He was wearing his tightest pair of pants, and a see through tank top. The reason he had come here in the first place was to get laid, so he didn’t know why he kept turning each guy down. They were all attractive, but Sutan couldn’t bring himself to be pulled away from his seat.

A loud noise from the stage pulled him out of his thoughts. He searched for the sound when he saw a girl on the small stage of the bar. She introduced herself as Manila. _What a strange thing to call yourself _, Sutan thought. The girl began to jump around a dance, rather badly, to some song he had never heard of. She lip-synched as if her life depended on it, and Sutan couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face at her performance.__

__After a few well-timed jokes, Sutan finally realized that she was a drag queen. He had never really seen many drag queens, but the ones he had seen were always doing crazy things with their makeup and outfits. Manila was different. She actually looked like a woman, and she dressed rather nicely as well. Sutan found himself drawn to her, and didn’t even look at the fourth guy that approached him._ _

__After her show, Manila was surrounded by groups of people all asking questions and trying to take pictures. Sutan just stared at her from his seat at the bar. Their eyes met for a split second and something clicked._ _

__It was the strangest sensation Sutan had ever felt._ _

__He could tell she felt the same because she stopped what she was doing, and their eyes stayed trained on each other for several more seconds. He felt his cheeks redden and his heart speed up. A feeling he never experienced without being high._ _

__Sutan’s gaze was pulled away by Raja pulling on his sleeve. She motioned for them to leave. Sutan, still in a trance, looked back to see Manila talking with the crowd, so he let Raja pull him outside the club._ _

__He thanked the early autumn breeze for cooling his too hot skin. Raja pulled out a cigarette, and lit it expertly with Sutan’s blue lighter. The two passed it back and forth._ _

__“What gives?”_ _

__He looked over to see Raja leaning against the brick wall. She was a vision of beauty in her ripped tights and dark makeup. The nearest light was several feet away, which cast her in an eerie glow._ _

__“What are you talking about?” He asked._ _

__“You haven’t said a word to me all night. Not to mention you creepily staring at some girl.”_ _

__Sutan still couldn’t explain his fascination with Manila. The way she had looked at him, as if she knew all of his dirty secrets. Her eyes had been staring into him, picking his person apart. It was unnerving in the most thrilling way possible._ _

__“Earth to Sutan, come in Sutan.”_ _

__Raja was snapping her fingers in his face, effectively jolting him out of his thoughts._ _

__“Right sorry.” He was just about to start apologizing for ignoring her, when the door they had come out of, opened._ _

__Sutan was surprised and slightly delighted to see Manila’s face poke around the door._ _

__She walked out and stood in front of him, wringing her hands and blushing slightly. “Umm…I’m Manila-or Karl is my real name when I’m not…when I don’t look like…” She gestured to her outfit and general person. She held out her hand and rather than shake it, Sutan brought it to his lips and kissed the back of it._ _

__“I’m Sutan.”_ _

__Manila looked down bashfully. “I don’t really…this is weird but….”_ _

__Sutan noticed the girl stumbling over her words, “So you felt that too?”_ _

__Manila looked up, traces of surprise and wonder in her eyes. “Umm yeah. I don’t really know what it was…I’m sorry I’m really weird, I just felt that I needed to get your name. I hadn’t ever felt that before.”_ _

__“Me either. I’m glad it wasn’t just me.”_ _

__The two stood there not looking at each other for a few beats._ _

__After and uncomfortable amount of time, Manila grabbed a piece of paper from her purse and handed it to Sutan. She didn’t say a word, but gave him a small smile, and walked back inside the club._ _

__Sutan watched the empty space she had filled for several minutes after, and when Raja opened her mouth to make a joke at his expense, he shushed her._ _


End file.
